


Your Friend

by FlitShadowflame



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, more realistic rape aftermath, offscreen alien rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 17:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlitShadowflame/pseuds/FlitShadowflame
Summary: For a kink meme prompt:"Everyone likes to rape Kirk, it seems, and then get him through magic!repair!sex with someone...Well...that's not very realistic. I want REALISTIC aftershocks of Kirk being raped. (Reluctance to touch, loneliness, nightmares, anxiety, etc etc).Bonus points if no one finds out!Super bonus points if Kirk's in a relationship!A first son if the aftershocks of the rape ruin/end the relationship."





	Your Friend

It doesn't go in the report. Officially, the negotiations went hostile, he became a captive, and he was rescued a few days/hours/weeks/who knew later, a little bruised and hungry but not much the worse for wear.

Unofficially, he is not the same. He knows this. He knows this because he can't look at himself in the mirror, because he finds no pleasure in jerking off anymore and because his showers are longer, as he tries to scour his skin off before he even realizes what he's doing.

He feels dirty, and used, but he refuses to let it get in the way of his work.

He is unable to prevent it from getting in the way of his relationships. In that, it is fortunate that Vulcans are not often physically affectionate, especially in public. He is glad that he has never had the opportunity to mind-meld with Spock, as that means Spock will not expect him to want to mind-meld now.

He doesn't know if he will ever, ever be able to let Spock see how weak he was, how he came every time and God he needs another shower now.

Bones knows, of course. Bones is his doctor and his best friend, and Bones hunts him down with a tricorder until he bends. Bones is horrified, but he tries to make it clear that he didn't blame Jim, that he really just wants to go and rip the heads (large and small) off of everyone who touched him.

And he almost believes Bones, because Bones says it in the same quiet, insistent voice that he uses when he describes treatments that aren't pretty but will be best for the patient in the long run. Bones agrees under protest not to include the - nature of the assault in his report. Bones also agrees, with more protests and a broken sort of look in his eyes, not to bring it up again. He even give him something to help him sleep, for the nightmares. He uses it all and doesn't ask for more lest it mean he have to explain.

Bones heals the tears and the bruises but something in him still aches and gapes open like a hole in his spirit. Worse or almost as bad is the pervasive feeling of _filth_ and worthlessness. He tries to keep up a good front for the crew. He keeps going to meals and listening to their troubles, but he doesn't joke as much and he's glad he stopped hitting on people when he hooked up with Spock, because he doesn't have the energy anymore. When he manages to sleep, nightmares keep him feeling tired the next day regardless.

As for Spock...that relationship, that love he fought so hard for is falling to pieces in front of him and he isn't sure if he even wants to fix it. Just the hand-touching kisses they had engaged in frequently prior to the mission are proving to be too much for him. A kiss on the mouth sounds terrifying, and the idea of getting naked with the man he had called lover for nearly a year was enough to send him into shakes and terrors.

He, James Tiberius Kirk, fabled manwhore of Starfleet, is terrified of sex now. He is worried that what those creatures did makes him less of a man, that the way his body found release despite his mind's screaming denials makes him some kind of sick pervert, and that even if he had the courage one day to try sex again, he is worried that they will look at his coltish nervousness and see the filth, the stain of his weakness.

He has no explanation for Spock, because he can't bear to speak of it, much less show Spock with his mind.

Even Vulcans cannot maintain a relationship on chess alone. The first time he flinches away from Spock's hand over the board, Spock calls him illogical in a teasing tone. The second time is weeks later, because he tries very hard to think on his moves until long after Spock's hands leave the board, and make his attack or defense quickly. His style tends more toward the defensive, these days, but he can't help that because he has always played chess on instinct.

Spock catches his hand when he finishes moving the bishop, and he almost flips out in the middle of the rec room. He jerks away and Spock's eyebrow lifts.

"We have not experienced intimate physical contact in - " and he names a figure of days and hours and God, of course Jim knows how long it's been. "If you wish to terminate our physical relationship, please inform me rather than avoid the topic." He moves his piece.

There is no explanation he can give, because he won't give the truth and the lies would be cruel. So he manages a tiny smile and says, "Yeah, Spock. Still friends?"

It's a childish question, hesitant and begging, _Please don't reject this, God I still need you so much, if you leave -_

"Of course, Jim." The continued use of his first name is the greatest reassurance there is. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

Jim laughs a little, though it is mirthless and miserable in his mind if not out loud, and moves another piece.


End file.
